dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
