It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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