East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
