I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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