I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
