my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
