I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
