party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
