My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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