she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
