But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
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I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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