well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
