Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
don't judge my taste in strippers
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
