I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
