I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
