Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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