i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
