hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
