Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
