It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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