omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
