So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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