My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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