I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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