I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
