My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
