what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
