I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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