I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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