i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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