I met the friendliest cop last night
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
