you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
