I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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