don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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