I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
