im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
