So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
