beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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