I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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