we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
