im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
