Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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