If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
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