i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
