i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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