How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
