Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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