Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
