I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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