i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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