I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
