You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
don't judge my taste in strippers
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
