I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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