I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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